Bleach Randomness
by Craftygirl
Summary: A collection of crazy Bleach oneshots. Read if you want something hilarious and unpredictable! Character deaths, conspiracy theories, and all-out brawls ensue! Rated T for violence. Chapter 3: DOOMSDAY PARTY A party in the Seireitei? All hell breaks loose
1. Crazy Love

**Author's Note: **So, as the summary states, this is a little collection of random Bleach oneshots I co-wrote with my sister, Princess Malika. And, if you're familiar with "Naruto Randomness," you'd know that this is a companion fic – only a Bleach version, of course! So if you're into Naruto, feel free that check it out on Princess Malika's profile. Anyway, just so you know, the following oneshots may contain violence, character deaths and bashing, suggestive themes, crude humor, and mild swearing. Enjoy the humor, the OOCness, and most of all, the randomness!

**Disclaimer:** We do not own Bleach or any of its characters in any way. All credit goes to the incredible geinus, Kubo Tite!

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Crazy Love

One day, Ichigo pulled Renji aside after school, dragging him out into the hallway.

"Hey, what gives? What the hell is wrong with you, Ichigo?!"

"Just shut up, will you?" Ichigo demanded, and then carefully glanced around to see if anyone was nearby. "Look...I know this sounds stupid and outta nowhere, but I—"

"Hey, Ichigo!" Without warning, Rukia suddenly appeared next to them.

"Gah!" Ichigo immediately backed away from Renji and turned around to face his dark-haired companion. "Uh, Rukia...what are you doing here?"

Rukia just raised an eyebrow. "Well, it's after school," she said. "Shouldn't we be heading home now?"

Ichigo let out a nervous chuckle. "Hehe, yeah, right..." He turned to face Renji. "Er, 'tell you later, Renji..."

And so they walked off, leaving a very baffled Renji behind. He could only stare as the two of them walked away as a horrifying thought suddenly crossed his mind. _Oh, crap! I don't believe it! I think Ichigo seriously likes me!_

Renji shuddered at the thought, disgusted at the recently visible evidence before. _I thought Ichigo liked Rukia, but suddenly pulling me into the hallway like that, talking to me in secret, the "sounds stupid and outta nowhere" statement, and then shutting up when Rukia appeared? He was coming out of the closet!_

_What's worse,_ Renji continued in thought, _he was about to admit he likes _me_, even though he knows that I'm not gay! ...Unless he thought I was because I was treating him so differently from when we first met... Maybe I should stay away from him from now on, just so he won't get the wrong idea._

But before he gave that idea a chance, a new idea came to Renji.

_Wait. What if Ichigo's only _pretending_ he's gay, just so I'll do exactly what he wanted me to do, which is to stay away from him, thus staying away from Rukia, therefore him having more alone-time with her!_

He gasped at the realization, then his eyes hardened in resolve. _So, that's the way you want to play it, huh? Well, I'll play your game for now. I'll pretend to be gay, too. Let's see how you like that._

--

_Meanwhile, walking down the hallways..._

"So, Ichigo," Rukia began, staring up at him with her penetrating violet eyes. "You've been awfully quiet lately...is something bothering you?"

Ichigo froze. _Oh, great. She's onto me! _"No..." he hesitated. "What makes you say that?" He kept his eyes focused on the floor, careful not to make eye contact with her at all costs.

Rukia suddenly stopped walking, forcing Ichigo to turn around and face her. She now had her arms folded across her chest. "What?"

"What do you mean 'what'?" Rukia repeated. "Something's bothering you, Ichigo. I can tell, so don't even bother trying to hide it from me."

Ichigo could only stare at her in panic, sweat starting to drip from his face. _What do I do? What do I do?! If I tell her...no, I can't tell her! There's absolutely no way I can tell her! _He began to scratch the back of his head, a chronic habit he'd apparently developed around her. "Rukia, you know, you're not making this easy—"

"Hey, Ichigo! Rukia!"

They both turned to see none other than...

Renji, with a huge grin plastered across his face.

"Renji, what are you doing here?" Rukia asked.

Ichigo was just grateful for the interruption. Grateful, that is, until Renji suddenly slung his arm around his shoulder. "Hey, what are you—"

"Oh, just saying 'hi' to my good ol' buddy here!" Renji explained cheerfully, before glancing pointedly in Ichigo's direction. "Right, Ichigo? You know, you always get _so lost_ without me!"

Ichigo could only gape at him in horror. "What? Are you crazy?!" He backed away in embarrassment, and quickly looked over in Rukia's direction.

"What the _hell_?!" was all she could say.

"Rukia! I can explain!" Ichigo pleaded, but was cut off by Renji.

"Too late, Ichigo! Just let it out! Tell her the truth!"

"What truth?" Rukia asked, growing more and more confused by the second.

Bewildered by Renji's wacko behavior as well, Ichigo asked him, "Yeah, _what_ truth?"

_Just what is Renji _doing_? _Ichigo inwardly wondered, staring at Renji suspiciously._ He's making it look like we're—_

"Ichigo's gay!" Renji announced with a perky grin.

"WHAT?!?!?!" both Ichigo and Rukia exclaimed, except Ichigo was gaping at Renji and Rukia was gaping at Ichigo.

Renji went on as if the declaration was old news and, before either Rukia or Ichigo could speak, revealed, "And I'm sooo glad you told me that, Ichigo, because if you hadn't, I wouldn't be able to do _this_."

"Do—?" Ichigo began.

Only to be silence with a kiss _on the lips _by _Renji_!

Rukia could only hang her mouth open as Ichigo turned red-face and shoved Renji away.

After spitting everything out of his mouth and wiping his lips with his sleeve, Ichigo snapped, "What the heck did you do _that_ for?!"

"I'm gay too!" Renji replied. "That's why I'm so glad that you—"

"I'm outta here," Rukia abruptly announced in a quiet tone before sprinting away.

"Rukia, wait—!" Ichigo began, his arm stretched out in an attempt to reach her.

Which he would've.

If he wasn't tripped by Renji.

"Renji..." Ichigo growled as he used both hands to push himself upwards before he stared at Renji with killer intent and barked, "I know you're not gay, so why the heck did you do _that_?"

It seemed that Renji returned to his old self. For instead of being the elastic grinning guy he was earlier, he was back to his serious, narrowed-eye frowning face.

"You started it," Renji accused with crossed arms. "You were the one that tried to trick me into thinking you were gay so that I would stay away from you so that you'd get more time alone with Rukia."

"What? I wasn't... where did you get...?"

"So I decided to pretend I was gay too."

"But now Rukia thinks we _are_ gay! And we aren't!"

Renji nodded.

"But I thought you _like_ Rukia!" _His logic doesn't make sense. With Rukia thinking he's gay, how will he ever try to win her over? _

"I do. That's why I decided that if I can't have her, neither can you."

Ichigo glared at him, a mixture of both surprise and anger. But mostly anger. "_What _did you say?"

"It's over, Ichigo," Renji said with an evil smirk. "It's obvious by now I can't get her. Not with you around, that is, I'll admit it. But if I can't, neither will you. And I'll make sure of that!"

Ichigo couldn't believe what Renji was saying. "So you would stoop to such a low level – even pretend we're both gay so neither of us can have her? Well, you're just SICK! I can't believe you'd be willing to do that!"

Renji scoffed. "That's not all I'm gonna do, Ichigo," he told him, reaching for his pocket and popping a soul candy into his mouth. Before Ichigo could do the same, Renji jumped into the air, raising his Zanpaktou for a killer strike. "Now Roar, Zabimaru!"

Ichigo barely dodged the blow at the last second, accidentally bumping into a wandering Orihime.

"Kurosaki-kun!"

"Hey, don't bump into me, woman!" he yelled, shoving her onto the floor. Ichigo then turned to Renji. "Are you crazy, Renji?! It's dangerous to go Shinigami in public!"

"Do you honestly think I care about that?!" Renji barked fiercely. "I'll kill anyone who stands in my way, so long as it means killing you!" He took another vicious swing, his snake-like Zanpaktou slicing through the air, aiming straight for Ichigo.

"Eep! Save me!" Ichigo shrieked, ducking behind Orihime.

Orihime blushed so hard because her beloved was cowering behind her while clutching her shoulders. "Oh, Kurosaki-kun!"

Too bad she didn't know he was using her as a shield.

Which, a few seconds later, fell into half a dozen sliced pieces.

"Whew," Ichigo said, wiping the sweat off his forehead with his arm as Renji scowled.

"I missed," Renji seethed, glowering at Ichigo. "But don't look relieved just yet. For you won't survive my next assault!"

He raised his Zanpaktou, ready to unleash his Zabimaru.

Only a blue arrow whizzed past Renji's wrist, creating a paper-cut like wound and sting, only much larger.

And since it was that wrist that was connected to the hand that wielded his Zanpaktou, Renji dropped Zabimaru, which reverted back to a regular Zanpaktou as soon as it hit the ground.

Clutching his wounded wrist, Renji locked eyes with the one who'd injured him. "Uryu..."

"That's right...Renji Abarai," Uryu stated coolly, flipping his indigo hair over his shoulder for dramatic emphasis. "Prepare to meet your match!"

Renji gritted his teeth in anger. "So what's this about? Helping Ichigo, I see? I thought you hated all Shinigami!"

"I do," Uryu reassured him. "It's just that..." His voice trailed off as he turned to lay his eyes on the bloody corpse beside him as his Quincy bow (A/N: we don't know what it's called XD) faded. "You killed my precious Orihime! A-And...!" His voice cracked. "I loved her so very much! I loved her ever since I met her, I tell you! It was love at first sight! We would sew together, and I knew then that she was my true love!"

As Uryu went on his little tangent, Ichigo made his escape, unbeknownst to Renji.

Five minutes later...

"...And when we were paired up to work together in the Soul Society..."

Ten minutes later...

"...So I knew I had to protect her from Mayuri's clutches at all costs...!"

Fifteen minutes later...

"Okay, okay, I get it!" Renji said in annoyance. "You loved her! Now will you please shut up already?!"

Uryu was now bawling, sobbing into Orihime's school uniform as blood mixed with tears. "And all I ever wanted to tell her was how much I loved her, but Ichigo kept getting in the way! She would never stop talking about him! It was always—"

_Slice! Thud!_

And there went Uryu's head, rolling on the school floor.

Renji slung his Zanpaktou casually over his shoulder. "Gosh, that was annoying!"

"Now, where did Ichigo go to?" Renji said, squinting his eyes as he scanned the hallways for his target.

"Ah-hah! There you are..." Renji smirked as he briefly spotted the unmistakable orange hair turning a corner.

_I've got you now... _Renji sneered, restraining the evil laughter he thought would be suitable for the situation as he crept up on Ichigo.

Ichigo, though, became aware and turned around.

To face a Renji whose eyes were red with blood lust and whose Zanpaktou was about to fall upon him!

"Renji, what—?"

Slice!

And so Ichigo's body collapsed in two halves.

Except, with closer inspection... "Huh? This isn't..."

"RANGIKU!!!" a familiar voice shrieked.

Gin's.

The very instant he sensed the plummet in Matsumoto's reiatsu, Gin broke the Shunpo record (and the sound barrier) by literally teleporting all the way from Las Noches, a heavy-set frown replacing the ever-present smile on his face.

_Uh-oh, this can't be good, _Renji thought. _If Ichimaru isn't smiling, well then...that can only mean..._

"What did you do to my precious Ran-chan?" Gin wailed, trying in vain to put the two halves together. "YOU KILLED OUR CHILD!!"

Now _that_ caught Renji by surprise. "WTF? You mean you and Lieutenant Matsumoto did...?" he didn't even have to ask.

"YES, WE SLEPT TOGETHER!!" Gin barked. "And now, I'm gonna kill you!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" Renji shrieked. Without thinking, he acted on instinct, running right down the hallway, as far away from Gin as possible. Not that that mattered to Gin, though.

"Shoot to kill, Shinso!"

And kill Renji Shinso did.

Although, as Renji was dying (and bleeding cups of blood a second), he managed to choke out, "I-Ichigo... I... I love you..."

Yes, before Renji fell face down into his own vast puddle of blood (which killed him quicker, as he couldn't breathe), Renji had come to the realization that it wasn't Rukia he had loved, but Ichigo instead.

Meanwhile, Ichigo had finally caught up to Rukia.

Achieving the feat only by tackling her onto the ground.

And landing in a rather compromising position on top of her. Ichigo's face flushed bright red, while Rukia only shoved him off her. "Idiot! What the hell do you think you're doing?!" she exclaimed, venom dripping from her voice. "Do it to Renji! Gosh!"

Ichigo pulled himself to his feet, scratching the back of his head in embarrassment. "Look, I didn't mean it—" He cut himself off. "Wait, what did you just say?!"

Rukia brushed her clothes off in irritation, as if freeing herself from "Ichigo germs." "Don't kid with me, Ichigo," she told him impatiently. "I think you and Renji both made it clear, since you guys are _such_ an item now." The bitter sarcasm in her voice was obvious to anyone, especially Ichigo.

"No, Rukia! You don't understand!" Ichigo protested, "I don't have a thing for Renji! Hell, he doesn't even have a thing for me! It was all just some sick, twisted plan he came up with – getting close to me and making you think I'm gay so I wouldn't be able to get close to you..." He glanced over in her direction, but only saw wide violet eyes staring back into his soft amber ones.

"And why would he do that?" Rukia asked, still as confused as ever.

"Because I—" Ichigo was cut off by a sudden voice.

"Hey, Rukia! There you are! I've been looking all over for you!"

Ichigo turned around and came face-to-face with Ashido! The deep crimson hair was unmistakable. How he managed to get to the human world, he had no idea.

_What the _hell? Ichigo was left speechless.

Rukia, on the other hand, lit up the moment she saw him. "Ashido-kun!" she gushed, prancing over to him. "How'd you get here?"

He smiled at her with an oh-so sexy grin. "You told me you'd come back for me in Hueco Mundo...just thought I'd surprise you by coming here instead," he replied.

Ichigo could only gawk at the spectacle in front of him. Rukia was..._flirting_ with Ashido? Just what had happened when Rukia went missing that day? Ichigo was afraid to find out.

But he had to. The uncertainty of _not_ knowing would kill him more than never finding out.

"So," Ichigo began, trying to sound as casual as possible—even attempting to look so, with his hand in his pockets. "Just how close are you two?"

The two stared at Ichigo in surprise and Ashido looked at Rukia and questioned, "You mean you didn't tell him?"

"Tell me what?" Ichigo asked, his calm look fading fast as he began to have bouts of nervous twitching.

Rukia avoided Ichigo's gaze, her face red.

Yet she didn't move at all when Ashido tenderly wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

_WHY ISN'T SHE SHOVING A**HIDO AWAY?!?!?!_

A**hido, smiling with a grin Ichigo would very much like to cut off, answered, "Rukia and I are going out."

"..."

"As in dating," Ashido added when Ichigo's visage took on an idiotic stare.

Though that wasn't the case at all.

_They're... going out? _Ichigo repeated, dazed._ As in, dating? As in—?_

"As in, she's my girlfriend," Ashido concluded.

Ichigo snapped.

By chucking a soul candy in his mouth, transforming into a Soul Reaper, and then butchering Ashido with his Zanpaktou.

All before Ashido (or Rukia, for that matter) could defend himself.

All less than five seconds.

"ASHIDO-KUN!!!" Rukia sobbed before she could reach for him.

Only Ichigo grabbed her (again, by the shoulders) before she could even move one step, except his grip on her was hard.

"Lemee _go_!" Rukia ordered, futilely struggling.

When he wouldn't, Rukia continued on her grieving mad vent at Ichigo.

"You _murderer_! You _killed_ Ashido! I _loved_ him!"

"AND I LOVED YOU!!!" Ichigo roared, wondering how in the world Rukia could've chosen Ashido over _him_.

"You... did?"

This never occurred to Rukia.

Grim faced, Ichigo put Rukia down and bitterly said, "Too late now."

The last thing Rukia saw was Ichigo's teary eyes bringing down Zangetsu upon her.

"You love me...and now you're gonna _kill_ me?!" Rukia repeated in disbelief. "Just what kind of screwed up mind do you have, anyway?!"

Ichigo just ignored her, his Zanpaktou still poised above her. "I...I don't want to do this!"

"Well,_ I_ _do!" _Rukia replied, quickly sneaking a soul candy into her mouth and – before Ichigo could even react – making a decent-sized slash across his chest.

Ichigo could only stare in stunned horror at the wound, blood soaking into his Shinigami robes. "R-Rukia...why?" he rasped.

"Do you even have to ask?!" Rukia snapped. "I told you why! You killed Ashido! My one true love! I can never forgive you!" Tears poured from her eyes as she slashed wildly at Ichigo with Sode no Shirayuki, slashing and slashing until there was nothing left by a bloody, mangled body.

Once she was through, Ichigo's overkilled body fell to the floor and Rukia breathed out a sigh of relief. "Well, that was fun!" she said to herself, sheathing her Zanpaktou. "If only I'd thought of killing him sooner!"

Back in Karakura High, Gin wept over Rangiku's two halves. He had managed to put them together, but they wouldn't _stay_ together.

"Ohh Ran-chan," he mourned, cradling her body, "If only I had remained by your side, instead of going to Aizen! Then I would've been able to protect you from _harm_!"

Suddenly, the two halves fell apart again. Gin cried harder as he tried for the tenth time to make his beloved whole again.

But this time, Gin caught sight of a tiny, blood-covered hand that emerged from Rangiku's womb.

Gin gasped, stunned. _Is that what I think it is?_

Hoping that it was, Gin gently gripped the hand and carefully pulled it out.

'It' turned out to be a premature baby girl, in the exact image of Matsumoto (or, at least, in Gin's eyes, it was close enough)!

Gin's tears continued to fall, but instead of sorrow, they were created from joy. "Ran-chan, you returned to me, reincarnated in your daughter's body!"

"Ugh, disgusting..."

Gin turned his head to see none other than the young white-haired captain of the Tenth Division. "My, my, if it isn't Hitsugaya...what are you doing here?"

"Avenging my lieutenant," Hitsugaya replied in a dead-serious voice, popping a soul candy into his mouth and unsheathing his Zanpaktou. "You'll pay for killing her!"

"Kill her?!" Gin repeated in disbelief, horrified that anyone could even suggest such a thing. He held the infant closer to him, as if shielding the child from the onslaught of Hitsugaya's words. "Why would would I ever kill her?! I _loved_ her—"

Hitsugaya cut him off. "You loved her?! You who betrayed the Soul Society – betrayed Rangiku – just to serve Aizen?! _You can never love her the way I did_!"

Gin opened his eyes at that. Real wide. And that's something he close to never did. That, and frown. "Say what?!"

"That's right!" Hitsugaya shouted viciously. "I loved her! More than you ever could, Gin!"

Gin glared at him. "Well, sorry to break to to you, but you've wasted your efforts, captain," he retorted. "Or should I say _Toshiro_? You never had a chance with my precious Ran-chan...so buck out, Shortie!"

Hitsugaya could feel his nostrils flaring. "_What_ did you call me?" he glowered.

"Shortie! Little kid! Imp!" Gin continued, sticking his tongue out at him, which of course, only made Hitsugaya grip the hilt of his Zanpaktou harder.

"Why you...!" he snarled between clenched teeth. But then he caught sight of the baby in Gin's arms (yeah, he just noticed) and gasped. "Who does the child belong to?"

Gin glanced down at the child for a moment, as if just realizing it was still in his arms, and then an idea came into his head. His lips settled into that trademark smile of his. "This child?" he asked, feigning ignorance.

Hitsugaya nodded.

"Oh, well her name's Gin-a..." Gin declared. "She's my and Ran-chan's daughter. So sorry, shortie! Looks like—"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Hitsugaya's scream tore through the air as he acted on sheer impulse: the instinct that told him to kill Gin. "Reign over the frozen skies, Hyorinmaru!"

"Uh-oh," Gin squeaked. He then glanced down at the small infant in his arms and did the only thing he could think of. "You must live!"

So he tossed the baby over the stair railing.

Right before his body was shattered into a million shards of ice.

As for the baby...it didn't die, if that's what you think! No, it just fell into the unsuspecting arms of Mizuho, who had followed Ikkaku around the entire school grounds flirting with him. She stared down at the small child that had literally dropped from the skies. "Oh, well aren't you the most adorable little angel! Once we get you cleaned up, you'll be irresistible!"

Ikkaku finally allowed himself to look over in her direction. "What the—?"

Mizuho linked arms with Ikkaku. "Isn't this just perfect, my love?! We'll finally be parents! I think we should name her Mizuku – after you and me! What do you think?"

What did he think? Ikkaku wanted to barf, that's what! Forget Mizuho! Now he had a freaking bloody baby to deal with!

...But whose baby was it anyway? He examined it closely. Upon first glance, it looked like the splitting image of Matsumoto. But wait! That smile, that fox-like smile...

"CURSE YOU, ICHIMMMMMAAAAAARRRRRRUUUUUU!!!"

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**A/N: **So, what do you think? Please review and let us know what you thought of this chapter! Feedback is greatly appreciated!


	2. Zombie Momos

**A/N: **So, this idea spawned from a running gag between my brother and me that back when Aizen tried to kill Momo, she would never die and then all of hell breaks loose. Yeah, totally random, but hey, trying to live up to the title, no? Please review! Princess Malika and I would love to hear from you!

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Zombie Momos

"Momo, what a surprise to see you here."

Aizen blinked in surprise at her arrival in Las Noches. The last time he saw her was on the wooden floor of Central 46, bleeding and dying from an injury he personally gave her.

Yet here she was.

_How can this be? _Aizen wondered. _I had made sure she cannot live without me, so what is she still doing, _alive_? How did she even get here? _Why_ is she here? _

Aizen decided to ask his silent former Vice Captain the last one. "Why are you—?"

"I'm here for you, Captain," she replied, a faint smile on her face.

The same smile that she had always given him when they were working together.

_Hmm. Looks like she still wants to work for me, even after what I did to her, _Aizen reasoned, admiring her pathetic dedication to him.

Unexpectedly, she embraced him, just like they usually did when he was pretending to be a member of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads.

_How ironic, _Aizen thought. _Just like before I had attempted to kill her. Maybe I should finish her off now. It's not like I have any use for—_

His train of thought was interrupted when he felt a blade go through his chest!

And the blade, a Zanpaktou, Aizen saw, belonged to none other than...

"Momo?"

Her formerly innocent demeanor quickly faded, as a sick, twisted smile tugged on the corners of her lips. "I'll never die, Captain Aizen," Momo told him. "You can kill me all you want, but I won't die. I never die."

Momo's sword sunk deeper into his chest and Aizen could feel the pain of cool metal against flesh. Could taste the fresh blood in his mouth. "N-No..." he gasped. "I'm Captain Aizen – I'm the one who transcended the limits of the Shinigami! I'm ruler of Hueco Mundo! I-I can't die!" He then reached out and grabbed Momo's neck, catching her in a strangle-hold.

"I won't die here!" Aizen spat. He tightened his grip...only to grasp nothing but air.

Momo appeared a few feet in front of him, that now ever-present smile on her face. She chuckled an evil chuckle. "Hehehehe."

Aizen stared in horror at Momo. At the undead phantom before him. "H-How?" was all he could say.

"I told you. I can't die..."

"NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Aizen bellowed. He snapped up all of a sudden, panting. He glanced around the room frantically, whipping out his Zanpaktou from under his pillow, but he wasn't in Central 46 anymore. Hell, Momo wasn't even there. In fact, he was somehow in his room.

_W-Was it all a dream?_ Aizen wondered.

_Creak. _Suddenly, a nearby door opened. Aizen's eyes widened in horror.

It was Zombie Momo again! "Good morning, Captain," she greeted. "Did you...sleep alright last night?"

"NO! NO! STAY AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAK!!" Aizen shrieked. Acting on instinct, he flung his Zanpaktou in her direction...

And barely missed Gin's head!

"Gin?!" Aizen asked in shock.

A frown made its way across Gin's face. "If you really feel that way, Captain, I don't have to work for you any longer..."

Aizen stared at Gin for a few seconds before mumbling, "It was just a dream—no, nightmare. Just a nightmare..."

When Aizen realized that Gin was still sticking around, waiting for his answer, Aizen replied, "No. I just had a nightmare."

Gin's frown deepened. _Captain Aizen has nightmares? What, or who, is the Captain afraid of? He's the most powerful Shinigami alive. _

Curious though, Gin asked, "Of what?"

"Who," Aizen corrected, to which Gin supplied, "That ryoka?"

"Worse," Aizen commented, having a brief shiver at the same time.

"Who's worse than that ryoka?"

"It's none of your business," Aizen suddenly snapped, and, for the first time today, Gin saw the old Aizen. The calm, cold Aizen.

Not the fearful, freaked out Aizen that he had encountered earlier.

_Maybe that was just a one-time thing, _Gin said to himself as he wordlessly excused himself from Aizen's bedroom.

_All villains go through moments of doubt and fear sometimes. Maybe this is the Captain's time. _

Aizen, though, wasn't as certain.

_I thought I killed Momo, _he reflected. _So why is she still haunting me in my dreams? She's dead! Dead! She shouldn't even be in my nightmares! Why is this happening? But more importantly...how do I put an end to this? _

Aizen thought about it for a moment before an idea came to him. _I know! I just won't sleep tonight!_

That night, Aizen had both Gin and Tousen stand outside his room door while he sat upright in his bed, fully decked out in his Chappy pajamas and sleeping cap, Zanpaktou in hand. "Just try it, Momo!" he urged. "Just try coming in here tonight! I'll be ready for you!"

Outside of his room, though, Gin and Tousen couldn't help but be slightly weirded out that Aizen was...talking to himself. "Does the Captain always do this?" Tousen asked in curiosity.

Gin scowled. "No...whatever makes you say that?" he replied rather defensively. "Captain Aizen is always calm and level-headed. Not some psychotic man in need of therapy." _He's The Great Aizen-sama!_

Tousen just gave him a dubious look. "Yeah, _sure_."

Suddenly, a high-pitched shriek came from the room and both Gin and Tousen rushed into the room, only to see Aizen cowering behind the bed post, shivering in fright.

"What is it, Captain?" Tousen asked.

Aizen stared up at him, but it wasn't Tousen who he saw! It was Momo!

"I-I said leave me alone!" Aizen ordered, shaking uncontrollably.

Tousen and Gin exchanged nervous glances. "Try talking to him again," Gin urged.

Tousen approached Aizen again, this time more cautiously. "Listen, Captain, I think you need to calm down—"

"I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE!!" Aizen shrieked, swinging his Zanpaktou in defense.

Now if only he knew that it was Tousen he was talking to instead of Momo, 'cause then Tousen's head wouldn't have been severed off his body!

Tousen's head rolled across the floor and stopped at Aizen's feet. "N-No..." he rasped. "M-Must protect...justice...!"

"AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" Aizen screamed before jumping into Gin's arms. "She still talks even after I'd decapitated her!"

Getting nearly as freaked out as Aizen was, Gin corrected, "That's Tousen you just killed."

_Not that I mind, _Gin kept to himself. _Tousen was such a hypocrite, preaching peace yet aiding us in our cause. So fricking _annoying_. I'm glad I tricked him into trying to talk to the Captain. _

Aizen blinked in shock. "That was... Tousen?"

Gin nodded. "Yes Captain."

"Huh. Maybe it's a good thing I killed him. He could've been problematic later on, if he ever begins to notice just how far we were going to achieve the 'peace' he thought we were."

"But you saw Tousen as someone else?" Gin guessed. _Because surely you can't be _that_ afraid of _Tousen_._

"...I did?"

"Before we continue this discussion, may you please get off me?"

Not only was Aizen still being carried by Gin (to which Gin didn't mind at all), but Aizen was also holding onto Gin as if Aizen was the child and Gin was the parent.

Except, in their case, Aizen was a man, and too heavy for the skinny Gin to support much longer.

And not only that, but Aizen was clutching Gin's neck almost to the point of a strangle-hold!

"Oh," Aizen said before hastily getting off Gin, as if he had just realized what he was doing.

"Now Captain," Gin began, "Did you hallucinate about some scary female because you were too sleep-deprived from trying to stay awake?"

"Who told you it was Momo?" Aizen unwarily revealed, to which Gin stared and asked, "You're having a nightmare about _Momo_?"

"I didn't have a nightmare about her." Aizen tried to cover up for his mistake by acting the way he usually did, but when Gin gazed at him in concern, Aizen shamefully admitted, "Alright. I did."

Gin gazed at Aizen for a few more seconds before he said, "I'm worried about you, Father."

"Father?"

"I have always thought of you as a father."

"So did Momo," Aizen muttered, a scowl showing on his lips.

"She's dead," Gin insisted, frustrated that Aizen was still thinking of his former Lieutenant.

I _should be the only one Aizen considers as his child! _Gin thought.

Although Aizen's thoughts differed from Gin's: _If Gin considers me his father, just like Momo did, will Gin try to kill me as Momo is doing now? Should I kill Gin then? _

But before he could get his plan underway, Grimmjow appeared in the doorway. "Hey, I thought I felt a huge drop in someone's reiatsu just now. What just...oh, it's just _him_." His voice trailed off when he saw Tousen's bloody corpse lying on the floor. As if Grimmjow could care less for the blind man who cut off his arm.

"Captain Aizen's not feeling too good right now," Gin explained, gesturing to the still-shaken Aizen next to him. He leaned forward. "Better stay on his good side, if I were you."

Grimmjow gulped. "Yeah, uh, sure. I'll keep that in mind." And to emphasize his point, he asked: "Er, Aizen-_sama_, would you like me to tell the servant to get something for you?"

"Coffee," was Aizen's reponse. "Lots and lots of coffee..."

Grimmjow raised an eyebrow. "Alright."

So he left Aizen's room and shut the door behind him, walking down the hall, and entering the servant's quarters. "Hey, woman, the boss-man head-honcho wants—"

He cut himself off the moment he noticed an ongoing make-out session between Ulquiorra and Orihime! The two broke apart immediately. "What do you want with _my_ woman?!" Ulquiorra demanded.

Grimmjow held up his hands in surrender. "Just wanted to tell her to make some coffee for the old geezer across the hall," he explained.

"Oh," was all Ulquiorra could say.

Orihime got up from her position. "Now was it decaf or regular?" she asked, walking over to the kitchen.

"Er, regular, I guess."

"Okay," Orihime answered. She got a cup from one of the drawers and poured coffee into it, and – once she was sure Grimmjow and Ulquiorra weren't looking – she sneaked a secret liquid (a.k.a. poison) into the drink. _Ha! That's what you get Aizen-teme for dragging me here in the first place! Heal your own stupid gillians!_

She carefully tucked the vial into her shirt and then turned around with the cup now in her hands. "All done!" she announced cheerfully.

"I'll take it to him," Grimmjow offered, extending his hand for the cup. He headed for the door, but then stopped at the door frame. He turned around to see Ulquiorra and Orihime staring at him with blank faces.

"What?"

Orihime just shrugged. "I dunno. We're just...waiting."

"Waiting for what?"

"For you to leave, that's what!" Ulquiorra barked. Patience, apparently, was never his forte. He shoved Grimmjow out of the room and slammed the door after him. Grimmjow only had to wait a second longer before he heard another make-out session underway. _Tch. Figures._

But now that he was out in the hallway alone, Grimmjow snuck a vial of pills from his pants pocket. He grinned when he read the label: Fast-dissolving Kill Pills. 100% Satisfaction Guaranteed.

_Heh-heh. This oughta teach Aizen a thing or two for enslaving us Espadas!_

Holding back a barrel-full of evil laughter he wanted to throw it in Aizen's face, Grimmjow opened the door to Aizen's room and announced, "Your coffee's re—"

The first thing his eyes zoned in on was Gin.

Who was on the carpet.

Bleeding from a Zanpaktou sticking through his stomach!

The second thing his eyes caught was Aizen with his bloodshot eyes and messed up hair (which was unusual for Aizen, who had always prided on the style of his hair).

Worse, Aizen was pointing to Gin and yelling, "I _had_ to kill you! If I hadn't, you'd kill _me_!"

_Aizen's gone _insane_!_ Grimmjow realized, gaping at the scene in shock.

It was then that Aizen paid attention to Grimmjow.

And the cup of coffee in his hand. "I bet you put something in it."

"What?"

"Poison, I bet."

_How did he _know_? _Grimmjow wondered.

"You trying to kill me, Grimmjow?"

"N-no Captain!" _He's on to me. I have to find someone else to blame. Before I end up like Ichimaru here!_

"Or worse," Aizen said, his eyes narrowing at Grimmjow, "Sleeping pills."

_How is _that_ worse than poison? _Grimmjow wondered, yet shrugged it off. _No matter. Aizen's not thinking straight._

Pulling his Zanpaktou from Gin, Aizen leisurely strolled towards Grimmjow with a devilish grin on his face.

"So, Grimmjow, what will it be?" Aizen asked, getting closer to Grimmjow with every step.

Gin's blood dripping from Aizen's blade each nanosecond.

Aizen: "Would you like me to slit your throat, or would you like me to decapitate you like I did Tousen here? Or, would you like me to simply stick my Zanpaktou through you like I did Gin?"

"_None_ of them!" Grimmjow bellowed before throwing the cup towards Aizen and then hurriedly ran away.

"I bet you _did_ drug my coffee, you bas***d!" Aizen swore as he chased a screaming Grimmjow.

"I swear I didn't!" Grimmjow sobbed. "It was that maid girl! _She_ put something in your coffee!"

And it just so happened that they (Grimmjow and Aizen) were passing Orihime and Ulquiorra at that time.

Now that caught Aizen's attention. He suddenly stopped short in his tracks, not even bothering to pay attention as Grimmjow sped away. "You, maid woman!" he exclaimed, pointing his Zanpaktou at her neck. Orihime flinched.

"She's _my_ woman!" Ulquiorra interjected.

Only to be silenced by a blade through the gut.

"Ulquiorra-kun!" Orihime cried, catching his limp body.

"She's your b**ch for all I care!" Aizen snapped, pulling his sword from his former gillian's body. He held it out in front of Orihime. "Now, where were we?"

Orihime froze. "W-What are you talking about?"

"Don't play dumb with me, foolish girl!" Aizen replied fiercely, his eyes now flashing with fire. "I know what you did! You poisoned my coffee, that's what!"

She gasped. "HOW DID YOU KNOW?!"

Aizen gasped in equal surprise. "You mean you did?!" he asked. "And here, I thought Grimmjow was just lying to me! But no, you _admit_ it!"

Orihime smiled sheepishly, sweat pouring from her forehead. "Uh, no I didn't!" she put in stupidly.

"Yes, you did! And you know what I hate most? People who lie to me! Deceive me! Trick me into thinking they're the oh-so perfect subordinates when they're actually out to kill me!" He raised his Zanpaktou for the finishing strike.

"Aiiee!" Orihime shrieked, shutting her eyes in fright. But she felt...nothing. She opened her eyes and saw Aizen's sword emerged in Ulquiorra. Apparently, she had instinctively raised him up as a shield before Aizen could manage to stab her. She blushed. "Aw, thanks, Ulqui-kun! You really are my hero—"

But she was instantly cut off when Aizen's blade stabbed through Ulquiorra and pierced through Orihime as well. So much for being a hero...

And so it went. In Aizen's paranoia, he killed all the Espada and Arrancar.

Until only one was left...

"Ohh Grimmy," Aizen called out in a sing-song voice, surveying the area for Grimmjow. "Where are you? I want to kill you, so come out-come out wherever you are."

_As if, _Grimmjow thought as he hid right above Aizen.

"You're the only one left for me to kill," Aizen continued in the same tone, "So why you show yourself so you can just get it over with?"

_No thanks, _Grimmjow said to himself.

Aizen sighed. "Guess I'll have to find you the hard way..."

Grimmjow frowned. _The hard way?_

Suddenly, Grimmjow's entire body froze, causing him to fall straight down, right in front of Aizen!

"Ahh, there you are," Aizen said.

"Cheater!" Grimmjow accused. "You used a restraining spell on me!"

Shaking his head, Aizen pointed out, "You made me. You just had to be stubborn and play hide-and-seek with me."

"BECAUSE YOU WERE TRYING TO _KILL_ ME!!!"

"Because you were trying to kill _me_."

"I told ya, it was that servant girl who did it!"

"Who tried to poison me, yes, but I've decided that I can't trust anyone these days. Not Gin, not her, or any of the Arrancars and Espadas... and that includes you."

"But why? Haven't we shown the utmost loyal to you? Haven't _I_ been the most loyal to you?"

Raising his Zanpaktou, Aizen suggested, "Maybe next time you should kneel before me and kiss my feet every time I'd entered the room."

"I will. I swear I'll—"

"Too late."

"NNOOOOOO!!!"

Except no blow came.

Though Grimmjow had to wait for a whole minute to gather the courage to cautiously open an eye.

Only to see a short, brown-haired female just a few feet away from Aizen!

Aizen froze, paralyzed in fear. "S-Stay away from me, you hear me?!" he demanded, but it sounded more like a pitiful plea instead.

"My savior!" Grimmjow cried, kneeling before Momo. "I shall kiss your feet for an eternity!"

Momo blinked in confusion, but just ignored the Espada. "Captain Aizen?" She took a step forward...only to have said person leap across the room.

"Don't come any closer!" he warned.

Momo stared at him for a while before flashing a genuine smile. "Aw, Captain Aizen? What are you so afraid about? It's just me!"

"Don't get any closer to him, Momo!"

Momo turned around to see Hitsugaya emerge from the shadows. "Toshiro! What are you doing here?"

"Stay away from him, Momo!" he warned.

Aizen gawked. _Another Shinigami?_ "Damn those security guards! What happened to my fortress' defenses?!" he wanted to know.

"Uh, you killed them all...Arrancar, Espada – all of us," Grimmjow put in.

"SHUT UP!!" Aizen retorted. "Do not speak unless spoken to!"

"Okay," Grimmjow squeaked.

"Hey, Captain Aizen..."

Aizen tore his attention away from Grimmjow and laid eyes upon Momo, who was now inching closer and closer to him. Panic soon got the best of him. "Help me, Grimmjow!" he begged, reaching for his last remaining subordinate, but in Grimmjow's place, he saw...

Momo!

"You're on your own, Aizen..."

He looked over to the door frame where Hitsugaya once stood and caught sight of a third Momo! _This...This can't be happening! Momo – everywhere, there's a Momo! Zombie Momos!_

"What's the matter, Captain? You don't look too good..."

Aizen took a step back, but it seemed that with every step he took, the Momos took another step closer. Finally, Aizen could take it no more; he seized his Zanpaktou and swung out blindly (literally), slicing through whatever Momo his sword touched first.

Finally, he allowed himself to open his eyes. The zombie Momos were gone; there was only one of them now, looking in absolute horror at the thin blade sticking out of Hitsugaya's chest!

"S-Shiro...chan...?" she breathed.

_Uh-oh, _Aizen thought. _This can't be good._

And good it wasn't. For once Aizen withdrew his sword from Hitsugaya's now-dead body, Momo really went on a rampage. "You....MURDERER!!" She unsheathed her Zanpaktou and cornered Aizen into a wall. "How dare you kill him?!"

Aizen held up his hands in surrender. "K-Kill him?" he stuttered. "But it was an _accident_—!"

"I DON'T CARE!!" Momo shrieked, her blade now dangerously close to Aizen's jugular vein. "I'LL KILL YOU!!"

"B-But just listen to yourself, Momo! You weren't even like this when I tried to kill _you_!"

The words echoed in Momo's mind: _Kill you...kill you....kill you...._

And then she snapped.

"You tried to kill _me_? After all I've _done_ for you? AAAAARRRRRUUUGGGGHH!!!!"

"Momo, please wait," Aizen pleaded, edging backwards as he held his hands in a 'please-stop-I-give-up' position. "I only killed you because—"

"You didn't kill me! I'm still alive! But _you_. _You_ I'll kill."

"But Momo, haven't I always been a father to you? Haven't I—?"

"Snap, Tobiume!"

"Momo, don't kill Daddy—"

She did.

Grimmjow sighed in relief. "You saved my life woman. I'm forever in your—"

He was silence when Momo's shikai kido-ed him to death.

It was then that Momo then went back to Hitsuguya and knelt beside him.

Teardrops falling on his lifeless face.

"Ohh Shiro-chan," Momo wept, "If-if only I wasn't blindly infatuated with Aizen. Then, maybe _we_ could've been together!"

"And you two will be," a familiar voice darkly reassured behind of her.

But before she could turn around to see who it was, or even figure it out, a thin blade stuck through her head.

Killing her instantly.

"Good job Shinso," Gin praised as the Zanpaktou returned to its original form. "But if only I had arrived sooner, you would still be alive, Father..."

Fortunately, Gin wasn't far off in joining 'Father' Aizen himself (as his wound still remained).

"If only you could see me as your _only_ child, instead of that girl..." his eyes opened briefly as he glared at Momo, in which, if she was alive, she would've fainted from the terror those crimson eyes held.

"But I avenged you, father," Gin proudly told Aizen, "And now, I will... join you... myself..."

His last words before he collapsed onto Aizen.

This time, truly dead.

* * *

**A/N: **Please review and let us know what you thought of this chapter!


	3. Doomsday Party

Doomsday Party

Today was the day. Today was the day when Uryu decided he'd finally confess his feelings for Orihime. Too bad Orihime was thinking the exact same thing...except for Ichigo.

"Orihime, I love you!" Uryu pronounced.

For the hundredth time to the life-size Orihime mannequin standing in front of him. He'd even sewn clothes for her that were...rather disturbingly similar to his own Quincy clothes.

"So, what do you say, Orihime?" Uryu asked, patting "Orihime" on the shoulder. "Go out with me?"

In a high-pitched voice, Uryu, speaking for 'Orihime', replied, "Why of course Uryu. I'd _love_ to. Who else would I go out with? That Shinigami Ichigo? Pfff. He's such a loser. I only have eyes for _you_, Uryu."

"Ohh Orihime," Uryu began in his regular voice, pulling the mannequin close to him until their bodies were touching. "You don't know how happy you made me by saying that."

"Kiss me..." 'Orihime' said in an inviting, sexy voice.

Uryu needed no motivation for that.

Smooch!

"Kiss me again..." Orihime moaned, to which Uryu complied.

This time, making the lip-contact last for more than three seconds.

~*20 minutes later...*~

"What the heck are you doing?"

Uryu turned around and saw Orihime...standing next to Ichigo! Well, make that followed by Rukia and Chad, but only one thing registered in Uryu's mind: Orihime and Ichigo – together!

"I, uh, was just _practicing_," Uryu explained nervously, making sure to leave out the details while he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

Everyone stared at him with blank faces. Orihime spoke up first, pointing to the mannequin Uryu was now so desperately trying to shield. "Hey, uh, Uryu...is that supposed to be...me?"

Uryu gestured tot he mannequin behind him. "You mean this old thing?" He waved his hand dismissively. "Nah, it's not you! It's just...a mannequin _of_ you!"

Orihime raised an eyebrow. _Note to self: Uryu is officially mental._ But before she could say anything, Ichigo cut in. "Hey, listen, Uryu! We're not here for small talk! Urahara said he wanted to see us all in his shop! It's something important!"

_What could be more important than my make-out session with Orihime?_ Uryu wanted to know, glaring daggers at Ichigo, his self-proclaimed rival for Orihime's affections. But in the end, he decided to go along anyway.

--

_At Urahara's..._

"The Soul Society is holding a party at the Seireitei, and wants to invite all of you guys!" Urahara announced cheerfully.

Everyone gave him blank stares.

Except for Chad, that is.

His thick hair covering his eyes hid his stare (if he was staring to begin with).

Though he did let out a, "WHOOPEE!!"

Along with a leap into the air and fists pumped straight upwards.

Unfortunately, when gravity brought him down...

Crack!

Urahara's coffee table had a hole that Chad accidentally fell through!

"Uhh, oops," Chad said.

Not apologetic at all.

Urahara's response to that was, "MY COFFEE TABLE!!!"

Followed by an ear-shattering wail.

Yoruichi could only roll her eyes at her blond-haired companion, who was dragged out of the room by Tessai. "Anyway, you guys are probably wondering what's with Soul Society all of a sudden, but as you know, they haven't quite made it up to you guys for helping them with the whole ordeal with Aizen's betrayal last time," she explained.

"So they invited us t-to a party?!" Ichigo bellowed out in disbelief.

Yoruichi nodded. "But that's not all," she continued. "The party is for couples only—"

"Aw, man!" At that, Chad immediately slouched back down to the floor. "Guess that counts me out."

"Couples only, huh?" Uryu asked, glancing pointedly at Orihime, who was instead glancing in Ichigo's direction.

Who was glancing at Rukia.

"What if we don't want to go?" Rukia blurted.

"That's not an option," Yoruichi clarified. "After all, you don't want to deny Soul Society, now do you?" There was an evil glint in her eyes. "Especially your precious brother Byakuya, right, Rukia?"

Rukia gulped and then turned to face Ichigo. "Hey, carrot-top, whaddya say? You and me?"

"Wha??" Ichigo was flabbergasted, a tint of red crossing his cheeks. Not to say he wasn't thrilled, to say the least; he was just planning on asking _her_ first.

But apparently, with his reaction, all of hell went loose.

Renji, for one, suddenly tore through the paper walls. "Hell no! Rukia's not going anywhere unless it's with me!"

Ichigo and Rukia stared at him. "Where the hell did you come from?" Ichigo asked.

Orihime, on the other hand, was as equally appalled with the prospect of her beloved "Kurosaki-kun" going out with another woman. She tugged on his arm. "That's right! Kurosaki-kun's going out with me!"

"SAY WHAT?!" was Uryu's and Ichigo's response.

Shooting Orihime a drop-dead glare, Rukia asked, "Name one good reason why Ichigo should go out with you?"

"...Because we both have orange hair?" Orihime replied, pointing to both hers and Ichigo's hair.

To which Uryu, Ichigo, and Rukia bellowed, "THAT'S NOT A GOOD REASON!!!"

"It is to me," Renji supported, who knew that if Orihime took Ichigo out (whether willingly or not), he was free to take Rukia, simply because he'd be the next choice.

Forming a steadfast pout on her lips, Orihime argued to her protesters, "Sure it is."

And with that, she pulled a nearly-screaming and trying-to-flee Ichigo to the part of her where all guys couldn't resist.

Which made Rukia shake with killer intent.

Uryu, though, shoved Ichigo off Orihime and, with river-like tears pouring from his eyes, cried, "DON'T TOUCH MY ORIHIME, YOU PERVERT!!!"

Just as Ichigo opened his mouth to explain he had no intention to _ever_ even be _close_ to Orihime, Rukia punched Ichigo through Urahara's shoji screens.

"STOP RUINING MY SHOP!!!" Urahara sobbed from somewhere nearby.

As Ichigo twitched, semi-unconscious, Rukia threatened, "STAY FROM AWAY THAT B**CH!!!"

Yoruichi could only watch with interest, while Chad sat from the sidelines, munching on popcorn as he watched the soap opera unfold. _Well, this is certainly turning out better than I'd expected..._ Yoruichi thought.

"I'm not a b**ch, you boyfriend-stealer!" Orihime snapped back, shoving Rukia backward. "Besides, I saw him first! Long before you ever came into the picture, so don't even try it!"

"Oh, _I'm_ not the boyfriend-stealer!" Rukia countered, yanking on Orihime's long orange locks. "And you may have seen him first, but he didn't even notice you, bimbo! I, on the other hand, spent two months sleeping with him (in his closet) – so beat _that_, sister!"

Now that caught both Renji's and Orihime's attention. "WWWWWHHHHHHAAAAAATTTT???!!!!"

Even Chad gagged on his popcorn. Ichigo, on the other hand, flushed crimson. "Wait a sec! Now when did that happen?"

Everyone ignored him, though, of course. Orihime burst into tears. "WWWAAAAHHHHH!! Only I can un-virginize Kurosaki-kun! WWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"

Uryu was horrified by the prospect. "Orihime!" He caught her by the shoulders and turned her around to face him. "Don't cry, my beloved. You can un-virginize me!"

"Ew! NO!" Orihime slapped him. Hard. Through the shoji screens.

"Ow..." he moaned.

Meanwhile, Renji was fuming with fury. "ICHIGO!!" he bellowed, and then, with a fierce battle cry, he pounced on the Substitute Shinigami and ripped him free of his most prized possession...

His hair.

There were different reactions to this.

Ichigo: "MYYY BBAAAAAAAABBBBBY!!!" he shrieked.

Chad had his big eyes sticking out of his eye-sockets.

Yoruichi: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Orihime fainted.

On top of Uryu, who blushed and thought, _All of my dreams have come true!_

Rukia snapped. "Renji...!"

She jump-kicked Renji's head.

Which had twisted a full 360 degrees!

Renji's body then fell on Ichigo's most sensitive area.

To which Ichigo, endlessly tearing up, clutched and rolled back and forward in agony.

"Oooohhhhhh!!" Ichigo groaned in agony.

Not feeling particularly sympathetic at the moment, Rukia suddenly grabbed Ichigo by the ankle and dragged him all the way to the Soul Society.

By the time they got there, though, Ichigo was close to dead. Forget his hair and loss of his manhood pride – he had a huge crack on his head thanks to all the snags and bumps Rukia had so carelessly dragged him through!

"C'mon! We have to find the party!" Rukia insisted, pulling him up by the arm.

Ichigo gripped his now-bald, bleeding head. "Now tell me again why I love you so much?"

Rukia dropped his arm at that, causing him to fall on his head again. "Watch it! You're gonna give me brain damage!"

"I think your brain's already damaged enough!" she snapped. "What do you mean you..._love_ me?" Rukia had to choke out the words. "HOW DARE YOU SAY SUCH A STUPID THING TO ME?!"

"Stupid?!" Ichigo couldn't believe it. "What?! But I thought you loved me back! Or else why would you have said all those things back at Urahara's? I mean, sleeping together? Only in the same room!"

"I only said them so stupid Orihime would stop gushing over you!" Rukia defended herself. "She's the stupidest, most annoying, dumbest ditzy slut ever! And for your information, I only asked you to go to the party with me so my brother doesn't kill me for not going!"

Ichigo's heart fell to the floor. "Oh."

"Aha! There you are, Ikkaku!"

Ichigo turned around and saw Yumichika. And hold it, did he just call him..._Ikkaku_?

"I've been looking all over for you, Ikkaku!" Yumichika continued. "You know, everyone's supposed to attend the party but because it's couple's-only, I thought we should go together!" He flashed what he thought was a sexy smile. "So what do you say?"

Ichigo held his hands out in front of him. "Hold it, I'm not Ikkaku!" he protested.

"Um, yes, you are. I know you hate to admit it, Ikkaku, but you'll have to face the music sooner or later: whether or not you like it: You. Are. Bald."

Ichigo socked him in the head. "You don't have to remind me!" he shouted. "And second of all, why would you even be asking to go with Ikkaku? It's _couples_ only!"

Yumichika flushed, rubbing his sore head. "Oh, but don't you know? I've always liked you, Ikkaku..." He fiddled with his fingers nervously. "I just...never knew how to say it....SO KISS ME, YOU FOOL!!"

He lunged at Ichigo, but met with Rukia's iron kick instead, knocking him unconscious in the process.

"BACK OFF, WILL YA?! NOBODY LAYS A FINGER ON _MY_ STRAWBERRY!!"

Ichigo could only stare at Rukia in surprise. "But I thought you said you didn't like me—"

"Don't get the wrong idea!" Rukia huffed. "I don't like you, but that doesn't mean anyone else can!"

"Er, _okay_..."

And yet Ichigo couldn't help but let a small smile escape his lips.

_This must mean that Rukia likes me but is in denial,_ he reasoned.

Although his smile didn't remain for long when he was socked in the gut.

By none other than Rukia, of course.

"Stop smirking at me!" Rukia scolded while Ichigo doubled over and groaned.

Inwardly adding, _Why me?_

Meanwhile, back in Karakura Town, Yoruichi made Tessai dump Renji's body elsewhere as she attempted to calm a weeping Urahara.

"There, there," she soothed, stroking his back. "Not much happened this time."

"E-every time th-they come h-here," Urahara bawled, "My s-shop gets _ruined_."

Putting her hand on his wet cheek, Yoruichi reassured him, "Don't worry honey. After the kids leave, we'll do something rreeaal nice."

"Nice?" Urahara repeated, his tears halting at the magic word.

Yoruichi nodded, displaying a seductive grin.

"YIPPEE!!!" Urahara cheered, shooting upwards before he promised Yoruichi, "I'll be right back."

Departing with a wink.

_Mmm, _Yoruichi thought, _Kisuke's finally getting into the mood to do what_ I _want, instead of—_

When Urahara returned with a handful of his trademark hat (yes he has more than one) Yoruichi hit the ground like the typical anime character would when one was in disbelief.

"Kisuke, what—?"

"I'm sooo glad you finally agreed to play musical hats with me!" Urahara exclaimed as he quickly began setting the hats up.

_But I wanted... never mind. Maybe I can get him in the mood later, _Yoruichi told herself before reluctantly joining Urahara in a game of musical hats (which was the equivalent of musical chairs).

And as they were doing so...

Chad and Uryu left.

With Uryu carrying in his arms a still unconscious Orihime bridal style.

"But I wanted to play musical chairs," Chad whined.

To which Uryu said, "There's no time. We have to join Rukia and Ichigo in Soul Society."

"Why?" Chad asked. "You have Orihime, and Ichigo's nowhere near her. You two can finally be alone together, just like you've always wanted, without Ichigo getting in your way."

"...How did you know?"

"Know what?"

"About my secret crush on Orihime?!"

"'Cause I saw you making out with her mannequin," Chad answered, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Uryu flushed bright red. "Oh, yeah. Right."

So eventually, they arrived in the Soul Society, too (after Uryu had to hand over Orihime's body to Chad, since he soon grew tired of carrying her once they walked ten steps out of Urahara's shop).

But as soon as they got there, they were greeted by a very irate Ulquiorra, which was uncharacteristic for the emotionless Espada.

"W-Where am I?" Orihime asked in a daze as Chad set her down.

Uryu opened his mouth to speak, but Ulquiorra cut him off. "You're in the Soul Society," he told her, grabbing her wrist and pulling her towards the Seireitei. "And you're coming with me!"

"Just hold on a minute!" Uryu cut in, reaching out for Orihime's other arm.

"What do you think you're doing?!" Ulquiorra barked, pulling Orihime rather harshly in his direction. "This woman here's going with me!"

"And just what the f**k are you doing here anyway?!" Uryu shot back, pulling Orihime back with equal force. "You're supposed to be in Hueco Mundo throwing emo parties!"

Chad held his hand up to his mouth in shock. "_Ooh_, you just cursed!"

"YES! I CURSED!! AND I'LL CURSE AS MUCH AS I WANT TO UNLESS ORIHIME GOES TO THE PARTY WITH ME!! I DON'T GIVE A [BEEP] ABOUT IT! I DON'T GET WHY SOME [BEEP]ING EMO FREAK LIKE YOU EVEN BOTHERED TO COME HERE IF ONLY TO TRY TO STEAL ORIHIME AWAY FROM ME! BUT [BEEP] OFF, YOU [BEEP]ING [BEEP]! I WILL NEVER LET YOU LAY ONE [BEEP]ING HAND ON HER!! BECAUSE ORIHIME IS MINE, YOU [BEEP]!!"

Everyone just stared at him. Chad didn't even bother to whip out his popcorn; he was too busy keeping tallies of all the times Uryu cursed just now. Orihime, on the other hand, couldn't help but blush. "Wow, Uryu...I never knew you felt that way..."

Ulquiorra, however, just relinquished his hold on Orihime. "Gosh, man! All that for a woman?! You can have her! I'm outta here!"

Watching Ulquiorra go, Uryu felt some hope rising in him.

_I got my princess, instead of Mr. Emo... maybe now, she'll finally realize that—_

Unexpectedly, Uryu was ambushed by Orihime planting a kiss on his lips!

_Am I dreaming? _He wondered as her soft lips pressed against his.

When she broke off, his lips, which lingered with Orihime's touch, yearned for more, Orihime confirmed, "I love you, Ishida-kun."

Uryu's glasses fogged up to the point where he couldn't see a thing. _How I longed for this day, in where she called me "kun" instead of that..._

Uryu's mind drifted off to other thoughts as Orihime kissed him again.

~*30 minutes later...*~

"Uhh, I hate to spoil the moment here, but don't we have somewhere to—?" Chad began, his eyes still covered with both his hands (though he took a small peak) as the current make-out session that was getting steamier each minute.

Only for a blue arrow to go through his chest!

Chad formed a stunned visage before he collapsed to his left.

Adjusting his still fogged-up glasses until they were in the center again, Uryu explained (to no one in particular), "That's what you get for trying to interrupt my kissing time."

"Ohh Ishida-kun," Orihime flirtatiously said, embracing his right arm as she leaned on his chest. "You're soo sexy when you kill people."

"Sexier than Ichigo?"

"Very," Orihime assured him before she leisurely inched towards him for more passion.

But just as she was about to, she abruptly collapsed on Uryu, knocking him over!

Uryu, still in the moment, blushed and asked, "Does this mean you would like to go all the way?"

When he didn't get any response, he frowned.

"Orihime?"

Silence.

"Ori—NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Plunged into her back was a Zanpaktou...

Belonging to none other than Rukia!

She smiled maliciously. "I've always wanted to do that!"

"Gee, Rukia," Ichigo put in, who was just idly standing there behind her. "Don't you think that's a little...I dunno. Over the top?"

Uryu was too paralyzed with horror to speak. All he could pay attention to was the bloody, lifeless corpse on top of him. Right when he'd thought he'd finally won her over, she just had to die.

"What do you mean 'over the top'?!" Rukia repeated viciously. "I hated her! I hated the mere sight of her! I never told you, but I'll tell you right now: I've always wanted to kill that damn annoying b**ch!"

"N-No, Orihime..." Uryu breathed. "OOOOORRRRRIIIIIIHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMEEEEEE!!!" With a fierce battle cry, he suddenly jumped up and wrapped his hands around Rukia's neck in a strangle hold.

"Rukia!" was all Ichigo could say.

"D-Don't just...stand there, you idiot!" Rukia ordered in between gasps. "Do something! If you really love me as much as you say...SAVE ME ALREADY, DAMMIT!!"

Even when she was being choked to death, she still managed to boss Ichigo around.

Ichigo flinched before saying, "Don't worry, my love!" he pronounced bravely. "I will save you!" And then – without warning – he bolted from the scene...

Returning fully clad in metal armor, jousting pole in hand.

Rukia wanted to die of embarrassment, but Ichigo didn't waste a second. "I swear on my soul, I WILL SAVE YOU!!" Ichigo declared, and then charged at Uryu with his jousting pole.

Only both Rukia and Uryu could see that Ichigo's thin frame couldn't balance the large, lengthy pole...

"I'm _not_ dying here," Rukia declared before she used a foot to kick Uryu in where it'd hurt him the most.

Only she was off.

By about half a foot.

Uryu smirked. "You're too short, midget."

"DON'T CALL ME A MIDGET, YOU BEANPOLE!!"

"Hey, I resent—"

He would've continued.

If Rukia didn't jab at his Adam's apple.

Uryu gagged, releasing Rukia in a vain attempt to soothe his sore Adam's apple.

Blowing a raspberry at him, Rukia jeered, "How ya like _that_, you—?"

Her words vanished as soon as she felt the metal pole pierce through her throat!

Ichigo gasped at his fatal mistake. "MY LOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEE!!!!! NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

He unawarely dropped his weapon as he dashed to Rukia to catch her before she hit the ground.

"Don't die," he pleaded in tears. "I'll patch up that hole in your neck. All it needs is a little tape. Just hold on, and I'll find some for you, okay?"

"She'll _bleed_ to death before you 'save' her!" Uryu rasped, his throat still aching from Rukia's earlier assault.

Ichigo responded by kicking Uryu on...

"Well, what have we here?" Kenpachi asked with a broad smirk as he lifted a gaping Uryu off his back with his hand.

Uryu: _He'll squish me in a second!_

Kenpachi's sneer grew wider as he said, "Let's play."

Uryu: _I'm doomed. _

Meanwhile, Ichigo desperately tried to find some tape to cover up the hole in Rukia.

"F-forget it Ichigo," she frailly said, becoming paler by the minute. "I'm going to die and there's nothing you can do about it."

"Ohh Rukia," Ichigo wept. "I'm so sorry. So very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very—"

"Get _on _with it!"

"Infinity times square very, very, _very_ sorry."

When Rukia didn't comment...

"Rukia?"

"..."

"Rukia?" _Did she die without telling me? How could she die and not tell me?! _

"D*mmit Rukia, are you alive or—?"

Smack!

"I'M STILL ALIVE, BAKA!!"

"...Are you sure you're dying? You seem so—"

"OF COURSE I'M DYING! CAN'T YOU SEE HOW MUCH BLOOD I'VE LOST?!?!"

"...Uhh..."

"There's just something I have to tell you first."

"And that's...?"

"Come closer," Rukia gestured, her voice getting weaker by the second.

Ichigo complied.

"I love you..." she revealed, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Really?" Ichigo asked, his tone matching the emotion of a kid receiving a cookie.

"But now I _hate_ you," she spat out.

Shattering Ichigo's once love-filled heart.

"But _why_?" he whined, to which Rukia answered, with her last breathe, "Because you _killed_ me, you... baka..."

And so she (finally) died, leaving behind a very devastated Ichigo, left to mourn the loss by his lonesome...well, make that as lonesome as he can get with a very high Kenpachi nearby.

"Hmm...how should I deal with you ryoka?" Kenpachi asked no one in particular. "I know!"

"No, don't! Please!" Uryu begged, still dangling from Kenpachi's clutches. Our Quincy kind are going extinct! If you kill me—"

"There'll be one less of you to kill!" Kenpachi answered for him, now grinning like a madman. "That's excellent! Thanks for telling me!"

"Uh, no, that's not what I meant – GGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"

And thus, Uryu fell in pieces, ripped in two.

Kenpachi licked his lips in sheer delight. "Ahh, that felt good! Now..." he averted his eyes to Ichigo, who was still kneeling beside a dead Rukia's side, mumbling to himself. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Over and over again.

"Hey, you! Ichigo!" Kenpachi called out. Ichigo barely raised his head to look at him.

"Just kill me now and get it over with," he told him in resignation. "There's no point; I can't fight you."

"That's it?" Kenpachi asked in disbelief. "You're giving up? Well, that's no fun – not if you can't fight back—"

"Don't worry about that, Zaraki," came a voice. "I'll deal with this..._ryoka_..."

"Byakuya?" Ichigo knew that voice anywhere! The voice of his future in-law! He'd lost track of how many times he'd practiced proposing to Rukia in front of a mirror.

"I will slit your throat for killing my sister, you filthy piece of dirt!" Byakuya cried as he unsheathed his Zanpaktou, his once-cool demeanor fading in an instant.

He suddenly burst out sobbing. "I can't believe it! And here I had all these wedding plans for you and my sister! Baby shoes, too! _Do you know how hard I planned for your wedding?!_ Years, I tell you! YEARS! Ever since I adopted Rukia into the Kuchiki household!"

Ichigo blinked in surprise. "Wow, Pops, I never would've thought, but hey, I'm flattered!"

"But what do you do?!" Byakuya continued, completing ignoring Ichigo. "How do you repay me?! By killing my sister!! I WILL AVENGE HER DEATH BY KILLING YOU, ICHIGO KUROSAKI!!"

"Uh-oh."

"Scatter, Senbonzakura."

"Eep!" Ichigo – not even in Shinigami form – tried desperately to run from the flower petals. But then again, you can only imagine how that turned out...

Anyway, once the flowers had dissipated and the body had fallen, Kenpachi burst out in applause. "Marvelous, Byakuya! That was amazing!"

Byakuya scoffed, flipping his hair over his shoulder. "Waste of time," he said simply, his voice now calm and cool. "We should be heading to the party now. It's probably already underway."

--

_At the party..._

"So, where are those ryoka?" Ukitake asked in confusion. "Didn't they receive our invitation?"

"It must've gotten lost," Byakuya answered.

Kyoraku scratched the back of his head. "But the Head Captain made sure they got the message. I'm sure they received it."

"_I said_, it got lost," Byakuya repeated, an irritated edge now present in his voice.

"Are you doubting my credibility, you underling?!" Yamamato snapped, glaring at Byakuya.

Finally, Byakuya couldn't take it anymore. "I TOLD YOU, I KILLED THEM, DAMMIT!!!"

Everyone gaped at him.

"You..._killed_ them?" Ukitake repeated in shock.

Byakuya immediately regretted his mistake. "No, er, what I meant to say was—"

"MURDERER!!" Everyone cried in unison. "WE MUST KILL HIM!!"

"Justice will be served!" Yamamato proclaimed, flailing his wooden cane in the air.

"No! I-I only killed one of them – NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

So the crowd of angry Shinigami swarmed Byakuya and crushed him to death. Without even having to raise their Zanpaktou. Now if only Byakuya had kept his mouth shut, like Kenpachi. Who didn't say anything.

Who was now in fact standing in a corner, smiling in amusement as he licked his lips in sheer pleasure. _Ah, the sweet taste of blood..._

**A/N: **Thanks to those who submitted their reviews! Please feel free to leave behind comments and feedback! We'd greatly appreciate it!

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